TedTest

From the Ted Talk by Adar Cohen: 3 ways to lead tough, unavoidable conversations

Unscramble the Blue Letters

I'm in a concrete maze the size of 72 football fields. I'm being led from checkpoint to checkpoint, and before each door opens, the door behind me slams shut. The lock echoes while I'm schaered and interviewed again. It's a mmuaixm security jail, the lergsat in the country: the Cook County Jail, in cihagco, Illinois. "I'm here for the meeting," I say again, repeat my credentials. It's my first time visiting a jail, and everyone can tell. They take my phone, they take my keys, and they take my little bag of almonds. Almonds! Finally, I'm left in a room with two men who stare at me as I enetr. One is a gang leader, the other is a corrections officer, and each of them is the size of four of me, which basically means I'm oeeunrbmutd eight to one. Their arms are strapped across their chests, flashes of anegr in their eyes - I'm teriefird and I'm thinking, They were worried about my almonds? (Laughter) The heavy door behind me slams shut. It's just the three of us now. No one moves. Now, who's had the very same execnrpiee? (Laughter) But whether you're a C-level executive or a spouse or you're a part of any kind of team, you probably know this to be true: that one conversation can change everything. So I want you to think of a tough conversation that people around you need to have. You got it? There's some issue that's hdilong them back from accomplishing what they want to accomplish. I believe they might be one conversation away from accomplishing that thing but they're not having the conversation they need to have, or they've tried and it hasn't gone well. I've led some pretty tough conversations in some pretty tough environments: Northern irleand, the Middle East, corporate bmaorrodos. I actually have a PhD in leading difficult conversations, and here's what I've learned: We're not having the conversations we need to have. And that's mostly because we're afraid; we don't want to make things worse. But not having these conversations or having them poorly is really bad. And most of us know this from our work. Some issue arises for a team - it could be a moinr iusse, but it goes unaddressed. Frustration sets in, communication constricts, tonsneis rise, trust evaporates, and collaboration is done. Remember, we're talking about tames that perform surgeries, land planes, run schools. Many of us are a part of teams that perform crucial functions. We can't afford to avoid tough conversations. So that conversation that you thought of that pploee around you need to have, you can lead that conversation. And I'm going to give you three simple rules to being vastly more effective in leading it. Wherever you use these rules - at work, at home - people are going to thank you. And then, they'll start reaching goals they couldn't reach before, and they will come find you and thank you again, and you'll bfneiet because the people around you will be more scsfsecuul, not miserable, which makes your life better. So, the three rules. Rule number one: move toward the conflict. Most of us don't like conflict, but it's normal, healthy and totally human. Without conflict, problems hide everywhere - big prlomebs, problems we all want to solve. So, conflict is imfotrionan, and handled well, conflict is opportunity. So rather than riunnng from it or ptnneeirdg it's not there, move toward it. More on this in a mtuine. But rule number two: you don't know anything, and even if you do, pretend you don't. Ask qstnueios about people's experiences and listen to what they say. itarnpomt things will be said because you are lintnesig, and the better you listen, the better the people having the conversation will ltisen to each other. And fanlily, rule three: keep quiet. Don't panic in the few seconds it takes for people to respond; they just need time. If you're jpumy about pauses, they'll see that and lose confidence in the ceraotinosvn. Some of the best breakthroughs I've seen in really difficult conversations have emgered out of a brief period of silence. Don't rush in to rescue everyone from that awkward moment. It's your job to show them that moment is OK. Now, let me tell you about some tough conversations where these three rules saved the day. We left off in the Cook County Jail, with an iamnte population that has at times swelled to above 10,000. It's not an easy place to be. But getting released and not wdniing up back inside is also difficult. Inmates are reeelasd into gang territory, often with no way to get home - if they have a home. And the birrears to finding housing, elommyenpt and education are such that it's no wonder so many returned to the jail again and again, back through the system. So my team convened every sodhekealtr we could - former gang members, business leaders, corrections offirecs in the jail, soaicl workers, the sheriff's office, clergy - to see if they could start working together. City officials warned me not to bring all of these groups together, but I felt no chncae of success without having this tough conversation. Well, the first meeting came, and whatever I tried, nothing worked. The groups wouldn't sit next to each other, wouldn't even look at each other. The gang ledear and the corrections officer I told you about, they were the first to arrive that day. This was the toughest conversation I've ever led. We take a beark, and I'm desperate. I acaopprh that cerctoonirs ofeicfr, who hasn't said a sgline word all morning, and I just go for it. I charge up to him, and I say, "Hey, buddy, what do I gotta do to get you to pipe down in there?" (letghuar) And he looks at me like - (Laughter) And I think I looked at him kind of like - (Laughter) rmmeeber rule number one: move toward the conflict. msiulucrlaoy, he doesn't squish me. (Laughter) He actually laughs and says, "Nah, I'm not much for talking." But because I had moved toward the conflict and called out the ouovibs, I had a small opening with him, and the disastrous meeting was about to start again, and I needed something. I needed him. Rule numebr two: you don't know anything, and even if you do, pnerted you don't. So I aeskd him, "What do people get wrong about what you do?" which is another way of asking, How are you misunderstood? I don't know. Tell me. Tell me what this is like for you. And his face changes. He looks like a different person. And he says, "People think that I feel normal about this, keeping people in cages all day. There's nothing normal about my job." Back in the meeting, I ditch my agenda, and I ask the same question again, and I kept my eyes off the bssieuns leaders, and I avoided eye contact with the city officials, and I stared down my big buddy until he went for it. He skeochd everyone, told them all just what he told me - there's nothing normal about my job - and it's a huge opening, and now others are ready to share. And because I don't know anything, I keep asking questions, and one by one, they all have their chance to dseribce everything about their day-to-day, minute-to-minute work, which means everyone is getting heard by everyone. My naive questions make it possible for them to hear one another because they're not aeiddsnsrg each other head on; they're answering my questions, but they're all hearing it. Rule number three: keep quiet. Especially when they start talking, it's tempting to direct the conversation. I didn't interfere, and they opened up collaboration that was unprecedented in Chicago. The guards and the previously ineaacectrrd, business leaders and fitah leaders, all binrgnig their erpetxsie together, joining forces so that inmates would have a mentor waiting for them and a job lined up before their release from jail - all as a result of that conversation. I'll give you one more. In Northern Ireland, for 30 yeras, bombs could rip through restaurants, bars and shops at any moment. Violence was everywhere. Shootings, aidncbouts - people lvied in fear. This period is known as "the Troubles." I led some tough conversations in Belfast, the epicenter of the fighting. I remember these enormous murals, paintings of maeskd gunmen, one of them pointing a rlife right down at you as you walked past. My job was to help Protestants and Catholics, Loyalists and Republicans have some very difficult conversations. We moved toward the conflict, rule number one, by recruiting men who had committed acts of political violence. During armed conflict, fighters become heroes, and arfwetrad, they remain influential, so we did everything we could to include them. Now, it would have been eesair not to rucerit combatants: the atmosphere wouldn't have been as chagerd. But remember: move toward the cfocinlt. Rule number two: you don't know anything, and even if you do ... (Audience) Pretend you don't. pretend you don't. No advice from me, no commentary, no ideas - those are all sorht cuts, and the point here is to take the long way. The more I asked, the more they shraed. The more they shared, the more they listened. And the more they listened, the more they began to accept silence as a part of their experience. Which gets us to rule number three: keep quiet - show them that silence is OK, that it's acceptable. And what will happen then is that the group will start to hear new voices. And often it's one of these veocis that can bring about a breakthrough. And so, in one of these mgteenis, we suddenly hraed from a man who hadn't spkeon. He shared his experience as a newcomer to Belfast, standing on a bus, exhausted after work, and suddenly being surrounded by a group of men. They came in really close, whispered horrible threats. They trapped him. And he explained how his heart pounded and he just gripped the railing of the bus and wateid until it stopped and he could dash out. He had feared for his life that day, he told the group, and he had hoped that iiarinmtmgg to Northern Ireland from Somalia would have been the end of having to fear for his life. The room fell totally qieut. Everyone heard him. Protestants, Catholics - suddenly it didn't matter. "That's unacceptable," the first said. "That's not Belfast," said the second. "Not how we want it to be," says the third. Now, these are men who have taken lives, who have devastated many families, in some cases their own, and now they start finishing each other's sentences about taelconre, iniuclson and respect, and this builds and builds in the room until finally, I can't resist the irony, and so I announce, "Well, mission accomplished. Let's go to Disneyland!" And they all turn and stare at me and sratt laughing, all of them. They laeguhd hard for minutes, and what that laughter gave way to was a deeepr discussion than they'd ever had before. They talked about what kind of future they all hoped for, for their kids and their grandkids. Now, here's the thing. Our man on the bus who experienced that terrifying moment, he might not have spoken if I had avoided the conflict, held forth with my own ideas and rushed to fill every silence. I moevd toward the conflict. I didn't presume to know, which meant I kept asking questions. And for the most part, I kept quiet. These rules helped him to speak, and these rlues helped the group to hear him, and in the end, his story was just what they needed to hear to move forward together. One conversation can change everything. I think of the corrections officer who said there's nothing normal about my job, and the opening that created for the guorp. I think of the moment when he and the gang leader, at the end of that meeting, embraced one another and how powerful they became as partners. I think of the men in baflest who hid their faces in ski masks to bring great violence into each other's lives. Today they know each other's faces and first names; they were enemies and they're niorgehbs now. I think of the CEOs and health care ladrees and technology innovators I've seen transform their teams and reach their galos, all starting with one conversation. I think of the lives saved, the jobs created, the dreams achieved. So back to your conversation, the one that people around you really need to have, the one that you can lead. It can feel like a concrete maze the size of 72 football fldies, but there's almost always a way through, and you'll find the way through by moving toward the conflict, asking questions and kpeineg quiet. csaroontnevis create the future. Whether or not we have them and how we have them is up to us. Thank you. (Applause)

Open Cloze

I'm in a concrete maze the size of 72 football fields. I'm being led from checkpoint to checkpoint, and before each door opens, the door behind me slams shut. The lock echoes while I'm ________ and interviewed again. It's a _______ security jail, the _______ in the country: the Cook County Jail, in _______, Illinois. "I'm here for the meeting," I say again, repeat my credentials. It's my first time visiting a jail, and everyone can tell. They take my phone, they take my keys, and they take my little bag of almonds. Almonds! Finally, I'm left in a room with two men who stare at me as I _____. One is a gang leader, the other is a corrections officer, and each of them is the size of four of me, which basically means I'm ___________ eight to one. Their arms are strapped across their chests, flashes of _____ in their eyes - I'm _________ and I'm thinking, They were worried about my almonds? (Laughter) The heavy door behind me slams shut. It's just the three of us now. No one moves. Now, who's had the very same __________? (Laughter) But whether you're a C-level executive or a spouse or you're a part of any kind of team, you probably know this to be true: that one conversation can change everything. So I want you to think of a tough conversation that people around you need to have. You got it? There's some issue that's _______ them back from accomplishing what they want to accomplish. I believe they might be one conversation away from accomplishing that thing but they're not having the conversation they need to have, or they've tried and it hasn't gone well. I've led some pretty tough conversations in some pretty tough environments: Northern _______, the Middle East, corporate __________. I actually have a PhD in leading difficult conversations, and here's what I've learned: We're not having the conversations we need to have. And that's mostly because we're afraid; we don't want to make things worse. But not having these conversations or having them poorly is really bad. And most of us know this from our work. Some issue arises for a team - it could be a _____ _____, but it goes unaddressed. Frustration sets in, communication constricts, ________ rise, trust evaporates, and collaboration is done. Remember, we're talking about _____ that perform surgeries, land planes, run schools. Many of us are a part of teams that perform crucial functions. We can't afford to avoid tough conversations. So that conversation that you thought of that ______ around you need to have, you can lead that conversation. And I'm going to give you three simple rules to being vastly more effective in leading it. Wherever you use these rules - at work, at home - people are going to thank you. And then, they'll start reaching goals they couldn't reach before, and they will come find you and thank you again, and you'll _______ because the people around you will be more __________, not miserable, which makes your life better. So, the three rules. Rule number one: move toward the conflict. Most of us don't like conflict, but it's normal, healthy and totally human. Without conflict, problems hide everywhere - big ________, problems we all want to solve. So, conflict is ___________, and handled well, conflict is opportunity. So rather than _______ from it or __________ it's not there, move toward it. More on this in a ______. But rule number two: you don't know anything, and even if you do, pretend you don't. Ask _________ about people's experiences and listen to what they say. _________ things will be said because you are _________, and the better you listen, the better the people having the conversation will ______ to each other. And _______, rule three: keep quiet. Don't panic in the few seconds it takes for people to respond; they just need time. If you're _____ about pauses, they'll see that and lose confidence in the ____________. Some of the best breakthroughs I've seen in really difficult conversations have _______ out of a brief period of silence. Don't rush in to rescue everyone from that awkward moment. It's your job to show them that moment is OK. Now, let me tell you about some tough conversations where these three rules saved the day. We left off in the Cook County Jail, with an ______ population that has at times swelled to above 10,000. It's not an easy place to be. But getting released and not _______ up back inside is also difficult. Inmates are ________ into gang territory, often with no way to get home - if they have a home. And the ________ to finding housing, __________ and education are such that it's no wonder so many returned to the jail again and again, back through the system. So my team convened every ___________ we could - former gang members, business leaders, corrections ________ in the jail, ______ workers, the sheriff's office, clergy - to see if they could start working together. City officials warned me not to bring all of these groups together, but I felt no ______ of success without having this tough conversation. Well, the first meeting came, and whatever I tried, nothing worked. The groups wouldn't sit next to each other, wouldn't even look at each other. The gang ______ and the corrections officer I told you about, they were the first to arrive that day. This was the toughest conversation I've ever led. We take a _____, and I'm desperate. I ________ that ___________ _______, who hasn't said a ______ word all morning, and I just go for it. I charge up to him, and I say, "Hey, buddy, what do I gotta do to get you to pipe down in there?" (________) And he looks at me like - (Laughter) And I think I looked at him kind of like - (Laughter) ________ rule number one: move toward the conflict. ____________, he doesn't squish me. (Laughter) He actually laughs and says, "Nah, I'm not much for talking." But because I had moved toward the conflict and called out the _______, I had a small opening with him, and the disastrous meeting was about to start again, and I needed something. I needed him. Rule ______ two: you don't know anything, and even if you do, _______ you don't. So I _____ him, "What do people get wrong about what you do?" which is another way of asking, How are you misunderstood? I don't know. Tell me. Tell me what this is like for you. And his face changes. He looks like a different person. And he says, "People think that I feel normal about this, keeping people in cages all day. There's nothing normal about my job." Back in the meeting, I ditch my agenda, and I ask the same question again, and I kept my eyes off the ________ leaders, and I avoided eye contact with the city officials, and I stared down my big buddy until he went for it. He _______ everyone, told them all just what he told me - there's nothing normal about my job - and it's a huge opening, and now others are ready to share. And because I don't know anything, I keep asking questions, and one by one, they all have their chance to ________ everything about their day-to-day, minute-to-minute work, which means everyone is getting heard by everyone. My naive questions make it possible for them to hear one another because they're not __________ each other head on; they're answering my questions, but they're all hearing it. Rule number three: keep quiet. Especially when they start talking, it's tempting to direct the conversation. I didn't interfere, and they opened up collaboration that was unprecedented in Chicago. The guards and the previously ____________, business leaders and _____ leaders, all ________ their _________ together, joining forces so that inmates would have a mentor waiting for them and a job lined up before their release from jail - all as a result of that conversation. I'll give you one more. In Northern Ireland, for 30 _____, bombs could rip through restaurants, bars and shops at any moment. Violence was everywhere. Shootings, __________ - people _____ in fear. This period is known as "the Troubles." I led some tough conversations in Belfast, the epicenter of the fighting. I remember these enormous murals, paintings of ______ gunmen, one of them pointing a _____ right down at you as you walked past. My job was to help Protestants and Catholics, Loyalists and Republicans have some very difficult conversations. We moved toward the conflict, rule number one, by recruiting men who had committed acts of political violence. During armed conflict, fighters become heroes, and _________, they remain influential, so we did everything we could to include them. Now, it would have been ______ not to _______ combatants: the atmosphere wouldn't have been as _______. But remember: move toward the ________. Rule number two: you don't know anything, and even if you do ... (Audience) Pretend you don't. pretend you don't. No advice from me, no commentary, no ideas - those are all _____ cuts, and the point here is to take the long way. The more I asked, the more they ______. The more they shared, the more they listened. And the more they listened, the more they began to accept silence as a part of their experience. Which gets us to rule number three: keep quiet - show them that silence is OK, that it's acceptable. And what will happen then is that the group will start to hear new voices. And often it's one of these ______ that can bring about a breakthrough. And so, in one of these ________, we suddenly _____ from a man who hadn't ______. He shared his experience as a newcomer to Belfast, standing on a bus, exhausted after work, and suddenly being surrounded by a group of men. They came in really close, whispered horrible threats. They trapped him. And he explained how his heart pounded and he just gripped the railing of the bus and ______ until it stopped and he could dash out. He had feared for his life that day, he told the group, and he had hoped that ___________ to Northern Ireland from Somalia would have been the end of having to fear for his life. The room fell totally _____. Everyone heard him. Protestants, Catholics - suddenly it didn't matter. "That's unacceptable," the first said. "That's not Belfast," said the second. "Not how we want it to be," says the third. Now, these are men who have taken lives, who have devastated many families, in some cases their own, and now they start finishing each other's sentences about _________, _________ and respect, and this builds and builds in the room until finally, I can't resist the irony, and so I announce, "Well, mission accomplished. Let's go to Disneyland!" And they all turn and stare at me and _____ laughing, all of them. They _______ hard for minutes, and what that laughter gave way to was a ______ discussion than they'd ever had before. They talked about what kind of future they all hoped for, for their kids and their grandkids. Now, here's the thing. Our man on the bus who experienced that terrifying moment, he might not have spoken if I had avoided the conflict, held forth with my own ideas and rushed to fill every silence. I _____ toward the conflict. I didn't presume to know, which meant I kept asking questions. And for the most part, I kept quiet. These rules helped him to speak, and these _____ helped the group to hear him, and in the end, his story was just what they needed to hear to move forward together. One conversation can change everything. I think of the corrections officer who said there's nothing normal about my job, and the opening that created for the _____. I think of the moment when he and the gang leader, at the end of that meeting, embraced one another and how powerful they became as partners. I think of the men in _______ who hid their faces in ski masks to bring great violence into each other's lives. Today they know each other's faces and first names; they were enemies and they're _________ now. I think of the CEOs and health care _______ and technology innovators I've seen transform their teams and reach their _____, all starting with one conversation. I think of the lives saved, the jobs created, the dreams achieved. So back to your conversation, the one that people around you really need to have, the one that you can lead. It can feel like a concrete maze the size of 72 football ______, but there's almost always a way through, and you'll find the way through by moving toward the conflict, asking questions and _______ quiet. _____________ create the future. Whether or not we have them and how we have them is up to us. Thank you. (Applause)

Solution

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Original Text

I'm in a concrete maze the size of 72 football fields. I'm being led from checkpoint to checkpoint, and before each door opens, the door behind me slams shut. The lock echoes while I'm searched and interviewed again. It's a maximum security jail, the largest in the country: the Cook County Jail, in Chicago, Illinois. "I'm here for the meeting," I say again, repeat my credentials. It's my first time visiting a jail, and everyone can tell. They take my phone, they take my keys, and they take my little bag of almonds. Almonds! Finally, I'm left in a room with two men who stare at me as I enter. One is a gang leader, the other is a corrections officer, and each of them is the size of four of me, which basically means I'm outnumbered eight to one. Their arms are strapped across their chests, flashes of anger in their eyes - I'm terrified and I'm thinking, They were worried about my almonds? (Laughter) The heavy door behind me slams shut. It's just the three of us now. No one moves. Now, who's had the very same experience? (Laughter) But whether you're a C-level executive or a spouse or you're a part of any kind of team, you probably know this to be true: that one conversation can change everything. So I want you to think of a tough conversation that people around you need to have. You got it? There's some issue that's holding them back from accomplishing what they want to accomplish. I believe they might be one conversation away from accomplishing that thing but they're not having the conversation they need to have, or they've tried and it hasn't gone well. I've led some pretty tough conversations in some pretty tough environments: Northern Ireland, the Middle East, corporate boardrooms. I actually have a PhD in leading difficult conversations, and here's what I've learned: We're not having the conversations we need to have. And that's mostly because we're afraid; we don't want to make things worse. But not having these conversations or having them poorly is really bad. And most of us know this from our work. Some issue arises for a team - it could be a minor issue, but it goes unaddressed. Frustration sets in, communication constricts, tensions rise, trust evaporates, and collaboration is done. Remember, we're talking about teams that perform surgeries, land planes, run schools. Many of us are a part of teams that perform crucial functions. We can't afford to avoid tough conversations. So that conversation that you thought of that people around you need to have, you can lead that conversation. And I'm going to give you three simple rules to being vastly more effective in leading it. Wherever you use these rules - at work, at home - people are going to thank you. And then, they'll start reaching goals they couldn't reach before, and they will come find you and thank you again, and you'll benefit because the people around you will be more successful, not miserable, which makes your life better. So, the three rules. Rule number one: move toward the conflict. Most of us don't like conflict, but it's normal, healthy and totally human. Without conflict, problems hide everywhere - big problems, problems we all want to solve. So, conflict is information, and handled well, conflict is opportunity. So rather than running from it or pretending it's not there, move toward it. More on this in a minute. But rule number two: you don't know anything, and even if you do, pretend you don't. Ask questions about people's experiences and listen to what they say. Important things will be said because you are listening, and the better you listen, the better the people having the conversation will listen to each other. And finally, rule three: keep quiet. Don't panic in the few seconds it takes for people to respond; they just need time. If you're jumpy about pauses, they'll see that and lose confidence in the conversation. Some of the best breakthroughs I've seen in really difficult conversations have emerged out of a brief period of silence. Don't rush in to rescue everyone from that awkward moment. It's your job to show them that moment is OK. Now, let me tell you about some tough conversations where these three rules saved the day. We left off in the Cook County Jail, with an inmate population that has at times swelled to above 10,000. It's not an easy place to be. But getting released and not winding up back inside is also difficult. Inmates are released into gang territory, often with no way to get home - if they have a home. And the barriers to finding housing, employment and education are such that it's no wonder so many returned to the jail again and again, back through the system. So my team convened every stakeholder we could - former gang members, business leaders, corrections officers in the jail, social workers, the sheriff's office, clergy - to see if they could start working together. City officials warned me not to bring all of these groups together, but I felt no chance of success without having this tough conversation. Well, the first meeting came, and whatever I tried, nothing worked. The groups wouldn't sit next to each other, wouldn't even look at each other. The gang leader and the corrections officer I told you about, they were the first to arrive that day. This was the toughest conversation I've ever led. We take a break, and I'm desperate. I approach that corrections officer, who hasn't said a single word all morning, and I just go for it. I charge up to him, and I say, "Hey, buddy, what do I gotta do to get you to pipe down in there?" (Laughter) And he looks at me like - (Laughter) And I think I looked at him kind of like - (Laughter) Remember rule number one: move toward the conflict. Miraculously, he doesn't squish me. (Laughter) He actually laughs and says, "Nah, I'm not much for talking." But because I had moved toward the conflict and called out the obvious, I had a small opening with him, and the disastrous meeting was about to start again, and I needed something. I needed him. Rule number two: you don't know anything, and even if you do, pretend you don't. So I asked him, "What do people get wrong about what you do?" which is another way of asking, How are you misunderstood? I don't know. Tell me. Tell me what this is like for you. And his face changes. He looks like a different person. And he says, "People think that I feel normal about this, keeping people in cages all day. There's nothing normal about my job." Back in the meeting, I ditch my agenda, and I ask the same question again, and I kept my eyes off the business leaders, and I avoided eye contact with the city officials, and I stared down my big buddy until he went for it. He shocked everyone, told them all just what he told me - there's nothing normal about my job - and it's a huge opening, and now others are ready to share. And because I don't know anything, I keep asking questions, and one by one, they all have their chance to describe everything about their day-to-day, minute-to-minute work, which means everyone is getting heard by everyone. My naive questions make it possible for them to hear one another because they're not addressing each other head on; they're answering my questions, but they're all hearing it. Rule number three: keep quiet. Especially when they start talking, it's tempting to direct the conversation. I didn't interfere, and they opened up collaboration that was unprecedented in Chicago. The guards and the previously incarcerated, business leaders and faith leaders, all bringing their expertise together, joining forces so that inmates would have a mentor waiting for them and a job lined up before their release from jail - all as a result of that conversation. I'll give you one more. In Northern Ireland, for 30 years, bombs could rip through restaurants, bars and shops at any moment. Violence was everywhere. Shootings, abductions - people lived in fear. This period is known as "the Troubles." I led some tough conversations in Belfast, the epicenter of the fighting. I remember these enormous murals, paintings of masked gunmen, one of them pointing a rifle right down at you as you walked past. My job was to help Protestants and Catholics, Loyalists and Republicans have some very difficult conversations. We moved toward the conflict, rule number one, by recruiting men who had committed acts of political violence. During armed conflict, fighters become heroes, and afterward, they remain influential, so we did everything we could to include them. Now, it would have been easier not to recruit combatants: the atmosphere wouldn't have been as charged. But remember: move toward the conflict. Rule number two: you don't know anything, and even if you do ... (Audience) Pretend you don't. pretend you don't. No advice from me, no commentary, no ideas - those are all short cuts, and the point here is to take the long way. The more I asked, the more they shared. The more they shared, the more they listened. And the more they listened, the more they began to accept silence as a part of their experience. Which gets us to rule number three: keep quiet - show them that silence is OK, that it's acceptable. And what will happen then is that the group will start to hear new voices. And often it's one of these voices that can bring about a breakthrough. And so, in one of these meetings, we suddenly heard from a man who hadn't spoken. He shared his experience as a newcomer to Belfast, standing on a bus, exhausted after work, and suddenly being surrounded by a group of men. They came in really close, whispered horrible threats. They trapped him. And he explained how his heart pounded and he just gripped the railing of the bus and waited until it stopped and he could dash out. He had feared for his life that day, he told the group, and he had hoped that immigrating to Northern Ireland from Somalia would have been the end of having to fear for his life. The room fell totally quiet. Everyone heard him. Protestants, Catholics - suddenly it didn't matter. "That's unacceptable," the first said. "That's not Belfast," said the second. "Not how we want it to be," says the third. Now, these are men who have taken lives, who have devastated many families, in some cases their own, and now they start finishing each other's sentences about tolerance, inclusion and respect, and this builds and builds in the room until finally, I can't resist the irony, and so I announce, "Well, mission accomplished. Let's go to Disneyland!" And they all turn and stare at me and start laughing, all of them. They laughed hard for minutes, and what that laughter gave way to was a deeper discussion than they'd ever had before. They talked about what kind of future they all hoped for, for their kids and their grandkids. Now, here's the thing. Our man on the bus who experienced that terrifying moment, he might not have spoken if I had avoided the conflict, held forth with my own ideas and rushed to fill every silence. I moved toward the conflict. I didn't presume to know, which meant I kept asking questions. And for the most part, I kept quiet. These rules helped him to speak, and these rules helped the group to hear him, and in the end, his story was just what they needed to hear to move forward together. One conversation can change everything. I think of the corrections officer who said there's nothing normal about my job, and the opening that created for the group. I think of the moment when he and the gang leader, at the end of that meeting, embraced one another and how powerful they became as partners. I think of the men in Belfast who hid their faces in ski masks to bring great violence into each other's lives. Today they know each other's faces and first names; they were enemies and they're neighbors now. I think of the CEOs and health care leaders and technology innovators I've seen transform their teams and reach their goals, all starting with one conversation. I think of the lives saved, the jobs created, the dreams achieved. So back to your conversation, the one that people around you really need to have, the one that you can lead. It can feel like a concrete maze the size of 72 football fields, but there's almost always a way through, and you'll find the way through by moving toward the conflict, asking questions and keeping quiet. Conversations create the future. Whether or not we have them and how we have them is up to us. Thank you. (Applause)

Frequently Occurring Word Combinations

ngrams of length 2

collocation	frequency
rule number	8
tough conversations	4
concrete maze	2
slams shut	2
cook county	2
tough conversation	2
pretty tough	2
difficult conversations	2
corrections officer	2
rules helped	2

Important Words

abductions
accept
acceptable
accomplish
accomplished
accomplishing
achieved
acts
addressing
advice
afford
afterward
agenda
almonds
anger
announce
answering
applause
approach
arises
armed
arms
arrive
asked
atmosphere
audience
avoid
avoided
awkward
bad
bag
barriers
bars
basically
began
belfast
benefit
big
boardrooms
bombs
break
breakthrough
breakthroughs
bring
bringing
buddy
builds
bus
business
cages
called
care
cases
catholics
ceos
chance
change
charge
charged
checkpoint
chests
chicago
city
clergy
close
collaboration
commentary
committed
communication
concrete
confidence
conflict
constricts
contact
convened
conversation
conversations
cook
corporate
corrections
county
create
created
credentials
crucial
cuts
dash
day
deeper
describe
desperate
devastated
difficult
direct
disastrous
discussion
ditch
door
dreams
easier
east
easy
echoes
education
effective
embraced
emerged
employment
enemies
enormous
enter
epicenter
evaporates
executive
exhausted
experience
experienced
experiences
expertise
explained
eye
eyes
face
faces
faith
families
fear
feared
feel
fell
felt
fields
fighters
fighting
fill
finally
find
finding
finishing
flashes
football
forces
frustration
functions
future
gang
gave
give
goals
gotta
grandkids
great
gripped
group
groups
guards
gunmen
handled
happen
hard
head
health
healthy
hear
heard
hearing
heart
heavy
held
helped
heroes
hid
hide
holding
home
hoped
horrible
housing
huge
human
ideas
illinois
immigrating
important
incarcerated
include
inclusion
influential
information
inmate
inmates
innovators
interfere
interviewed
ireland
irony
issue
jail
job
jobs
joining
jumpy
keeping
keys
kids
kind
land
largest
laughed
laughing
laughs
laughter
lead
leader
leaders
leading
led
left
life
lined
listen
listened
listening
lived
lives
lock
long
looked
lose
loyalists
man
masked
masks
matter
maximum
maze
means
meant
meeting
meetings
members
men
mentor
middle
minor
minute
minutes
miraculously
miserable
mission
misunderstood
moment
morning
move
moved
moves
moving
murals
naive
needed
neighbors
newcomer
normal
northern
number
obvious
office
officer
officers
officials
opened
opening
opens
opportunity
outnumbered
paintings
panic
part
partners
pauses
people
perform
period
person
phd
phone
pipe
place
planes
point
pointing
political
poorly
population
pounded
powerful
presume
pretend
pretending
pretty
previously
problems
protestants
question
questions
quiet
railing
reach
reaching
ready
recruit
recruiting
release
released
remain
remember
repeat
republicans
rescue
resist
respect
restaurants
result
returned
rifle
rip
rise
room
rule
rules
run
running
rush
rushed
saved
schools
searched
seconds
security
sentences
sets
share
shared
shocked
shootings
shops
short
show
shut
silence
simple
single
sit
size
ski
slams
small
social
solve
somalia
speak
spoken
spouse
squish
stakeholder
standing
stare
stared
start
starting
stopped
story
strapped
success
successful
suddenly
surgeries
surrounded
swelled
system
takes
talked
talking
team
teams
technology
tempting
tensions
terrified
terrifying
territory
thinking
thought
threats
time
times
today
told
tolerance
totally
tough
toughest
transform
trapped
troubles
trust
turn
unacceptable
unaddressed
unprecedented
vastly
violence
visiting
voices
waited
waiting
walked
warned
whispered
winding
word
work
worked
workers
working
worried
worse
wrong
years